Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
