Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
