I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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