You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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