Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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