I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
