I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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