im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
