I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Every concussion has its silver lining
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
