so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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