census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Its about making memories worth repressing
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
