those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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