It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
