i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
