I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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