I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
People in love make me want to vomit
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
