I swear she didn't look like that last week.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
