I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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