operation have a gay friend backfired
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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