I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
