remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
