Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
