Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
