Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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