so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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