Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
