You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
