My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
