The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
