the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
