We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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