Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
