I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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