if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
