I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
