New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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