Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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