My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Randomize
