Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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