I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
