Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
