I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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