We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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