apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
