no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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