I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
