oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
