My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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