Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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