I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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