After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
