You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
