covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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