i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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